feelin snazzy!

For the past several weeks I have been really stressed out. Nothing new. I am and always have been a "worrier". I have tried really hard to not worry so much. I try to pray about it and then let it go. If I can't do anything about it I have to let it go. That has helped tremendously with my stress level. But, something I can't help but stress/worry about.
I have SVT (super ventricular tachycardia). It is a pretty common thing and a lot of people who have it do not have much trouble with it. They get flutters or heart racing sometimes. But, you know me! Everything to the extreme. lol Mine has always given me trouble ever since I was 15. I have been on beta blockers on and off forever. But, thats not something I was looking forward to doing the rest of my life. Taking medicine like that for most of your life isn't good. In recent years other health issues have come up so this has taken a back seat. But, this year I had some really scary episodes. So, my cardiologist said enough was enough and I needed to have the procedure to fix this. But, my stupid insurance refused it. I filed a complaint with the insurance commissioners office (thanks Mom and Dad for pushing me to do this) and they finally came through. I had my procedure scheduled for Sept. 15. But, on Sept. 1 as I was sitting on the couch with Bella My heart started not beating right and then racing. When I tell people my heart was beating fast I am sure they think "oh well, when I run or do aerobics my heart beats fast. What's the big deal?" Well, it's not the same. For starters mine will be beating at 75 and in a split second race. It's not gradual. It's all at once. Second, it's not a normal fast beat. It's a hard beat that feels unnatural. So hard it shakes my body and it's hard to breath and it hurts. I can barely talk when it happens. This particular time I could tell it was different from the start. It was just sooo fast I couldn't count the beats. I grabbed Bella and raced to the car. I know I should have called an ambulance but most of the time the crazy beats will stop and be normal as fast as they start. But, I wanted to be at least on my way to the hospital if it didn't go back to normal on it's own. Which has been the case in the past. SO, I get to the hospital which is ten minutes away and it starts beating at a normal pace almost the second I get there. SO, I call Joe and tell him I am fine. but he tells me I should go in anyway since it happened for such a long time. Right when I get off the phone with him, it starts right back up beating harder than before and I felt like I was going to pass out. My vision was getting darker. But, I called Joe and he told me to at least open the door to the car in case I did pass out so maybe someone would find me. But, I managed to get out of the car and literally drag myself into the front of the hospital. It was the hardest walk I have EVER taken. The whole time Bella was holding my hand and crying. It was horrible. I kept telling her everything was fine but she could see it wasn't. I felt horrible for her. We made it in the front door of the hospital and I collapsed. The person that worked there and checked people in had the nerve to smile and say "how can I help you" ummm..I think it was pretty obvious by Bella and I crashing through the door I needed some medical help. I told him I have a heart problem and I needed help now. He pointed down the hallway and said the E.R. was that way. I could barely breath let alone walk. Luckily, there was a nurse who heard the whole thing and gave the stupid guy an irritated look and put me in a wheel chair. Poor Joe had called the E.r. and told them I might be int he parking lot. So, they were already looking for me. We live in a VERY small town and I have always been a little more than scared to go to the hospital here. Ever see the Saturday Night Live Skit "Appalachian E.R."? Yeah... But, to my wonderful surprise they were great. They new just what to do and unlike some other E.r. visits I didn't have to waste time trying to explain to them what was happening. Joe had called my boss to come to the hospital (she lives almost across the street from the hospital) to sit with Bella. She got there pretty fast and stayed with Bella in the hallway. It's an incredibly long story from here. But, it was horrible. My heart rate was 250 and they couldn't get it to come down. they gave me this medicine that stops your heart. I have had it before and it is horrible. It is a weird feeling to have your heart not beat in your body and be aware of it. The Dr. said "you know this medicine makes you feel like you are dying?" Yep, i do. But, after my heart stopped and then started again, it started at the 250. they couldn't get it to budge. So, I had to have a second dose. Again, terrible. but after a few minutes it gradually started to fall. After a long while it went back to a normal rate. The whole thing was miserable and very painful and lasted for about an hour. Joe finally got there and my boss to Bella with her. I was put in ICU and spent a lonely night there. Luckily, my good friend Lara sat with me so Joe could go home and take care of some things . But, when he came back he could only stay for 30 minutes. I got to go home the next day. But, on Tuesday Sept. 7 I had the surgery. i was soooo nervous I cried almost all the way there. My Mom and Dad who had been on a cruise celebrating their anniversary, met us at the hospital and sat there the whole time with Joe. Thankfully, I was in capable hands. My Dr.'s are awesome. And I have to say I had a lot of prayers going out for me. Thank you to all who prayed for me. I can't say thank you enough for all the cards and prayers and well wishes. I am feeling a lot better. It wasn't instant. The procedure itself was NOT fun at all. Pretty miserable. My Mom told me that when they brought me out of surgery and into recovery i cried anytime anyone would talk about it. It took more than a few weeks. But, I am doing a lot better.

Done with Summer

I have a definite love hate relationship with Summer. I love that it is warm enough to go swimming. I love how happy it makes Joe to have a garden. I love all the cliche summetime fun stuff, watermelon, grilling out, the pool, the lake, sleeping in, lightening bugs..blah blah blah. But, I hate my summer clothes. Shorts are one of my enemies! The heat is killing me! We have a heat advisory!! Really!? To make things even worse my A/C went out in my van. i cried. pathetic I know but I was so sad.
this summer has just not been one of the best. money is tight. like it is for everyone. But it still sucks! I have gained a bunch of weight. So, not fun either! I am also very sad because I have a really good friend who i love dearly and i have seriously neglected her. i have been so soooooo busy and i let life get away from me. She is now moving very far and I am very sad. i understand why she has too and I am proud of her. But, I think i took her being so close for granted. I just kept thinking things would slow down and we could hang out more. I will miss her so much!!
I am just ready for a new season. Fall makes me feel refreshed and inspired. So, I am very ready for something new!! This summer just hasn't been the best and i am hopeful for Fall to be better.

book/magaizine organizer

So, I have been sewing the past few nights. I made book/ magazine holders for Bella and I and will be making one more for Joe tomorrow night. I will be selling them in my etsy store or just through email. They have rubber that goes in between your box spring and mattress so it won't slip I think they are super cute and Joe can no longer give me a hard time about the mess of books I leave on the floor on my side of the bed because they are all neatly in my organizer!.

no words

This is just one of those times, I don't know what to say. We are all just pretty worn out. My niece Kinsey has been in the hospital 22 days. She went in with a high fever and not being able to walk. They thought she had a bone infection and put her on very high powered antibiotics. Now they are to the point they aren't sure if it was that to begin with and they aren't sure what it is. She is doing really well besides REALLY high fevers and some low labs. They have done almost every test you can think of and still don't know. So, we are just holding our breath to see what happens/

Twilight Fail

Dude, your not that tough!!


see more Epic Fails

The Runaways

So, I am super duper excited that The Runaways movie is opening this weekend. Not sure I will have time to see it this weekend, but maybe next week. This movie looks amazing. i would love to say that I am super cool and just new about the Runaways just because ...but, i first heard them because they were on the dazed and Confused soundtrack. The song was Cherry Bomb. I would play that song over and over in my beat up Buick on my way to high school thinking I was sooo cool. I have always have a fantasy of being a rock star. (can you see me rocking out in skin tight leather jump suits just like Joan Jett? Great mental image, huh? lol) But, at this point in my life, probably not gonna happen. But, i can live vicariously through the movie. If you see me with a 70's mullet Joan jett haircut you will know I was inspired by the movie!

i found a neat website

Sometimes i feel like such a complainer. I have had all this heart junk this year. I'm just tired of health issues and I am sure everyone is tired of hearing about it. But, I have this other thing going on. I have a Chiari malformation and it frustrates the crap out of me. I have known about it since I was pregnant with Bella. I had such a crappy time being pregnant and I had some issues that ended in me having to have a CT scan. Which is no fun in general but kinda scary when you are big and pregnant. But, they found my chiari. But, they didn't know much about it and neither did the neurologist i went to see about it. I have been told so many different things about it. I have been told that it is what it is. that it doesn't progress. Well, medical research is great! lol They have discovered that it does. i started having pain in my head that i can only describe as a HUGe rush of pain that stops me in my tracks. The pain started a couple of years ago and I went to the Dr. about it and they kinda just shrugged. I have mentioned it to all the Dr.'s I have seen hoping someone would know what it is. Over the past year and recent months it has gotten worse. it is so painful it stops me in my tracks. I sometimes will have to brace myself when it happens. It only lasts a few seconds but it's horrible. I mentioned it the last time I was in the emergency room and they sent a neurosurgeon to talk to me. ( he kinda looked like Chris Isac which wasn't a bad thing lol) It was amazing because he knew what I was talking about and he confirmed it was from my chiari. He started talking to us about brain surgery and it sounds HORRIBLE. Not a little bad but HORRIBLE. So, we all decied we would wait until I just can't stand it anymore. unfortunatley, I have read that a lot of people's symptoms start occurring in their early 30's so this may be only the beginning. Like everyone else in life, i don't know what life has in store for me. This could be the only symptom I have. It's not fun but I can live with it. or I could develop more. who knows.
But, to my initial point. i found this really cool website that explains what a Chiari is and has pictures of people with them. It also has support groups, and fact sheets. I cannot tell you how cool it is to find all of this when for so long I have felt very alone in this. I have to admitt that My sister Kelli had first found the Chiari websites but when I had Bella my symptoms that time were gone and then when they started again, i just didn't want to face it. I guess you could call it denial. But, now I need to face it.
here is the link to the fact sheet in case you are interested.



http://www.conquerchiari.org/awareness/Chiari%20Awareness%20Sheet.pdf

Kansas

I was born in Tulsa, we moved to Texas, then to Georgia. In Georgia we lived in Marietta, then another house in Marietta, then to Acworth. I then, on with Joe, I moved to Atlanta, then Fairburn, on to Cartersville, back to Marietta, to Woodstock, Cumming, then finally to where we are now Dahlonega. Some of you have moved a lot more than that. But, to me that is a lot! It's funny though, if someone asks me where I am from I say Kansas. lol I honestly have never lived there. But, that is where my family is from and most of them still are. My Dad moved us to Georgia for work but I don't think they ever really intended on staying or they were just in denial. We all still talk about "moving back" I'm not sure it will ever happen but, it's a nice dream. I call Kansas home for many reasons. During all those moves, all the different places, all the concrete towns with their walmarts that look just like the town before, all the changes here, I can go back to one house on Poplar Street in Wellington Kansas and open the cabinet over the coffee pot and my little juice glass with Dopey on it sits. I can walk out the back door and there's a tree that I climbed 4 feet off the ground up in and thought I was stuck and wailed wanting someone to get me down. I can go back inside and go to the living room where a box of paper dolls that I have played with all my life still sits. I can go out to the garage and get in an old truck that my grandfather once drove and I can drive to town and get carry out pizza that we thought for years didn't deliver only to find out it does but gram thought it was silly to pay the $2 delivery fee when we could just get it ourselves. Silly us! I can take a LEFT at that pizza place and drive past the co-op that my Grandfather and now my Uncle has sold grain at, turn around and keep going and the houses start vanishing to a old building that is a small radio station where my Dad used to work, down some rural roads that various members of my family have driven countless times to an old farm that in my mind hasn't ever changed. There's a garden out back we picked vegetables in, there's a silo out front my sister climbed but i was too chicken, there's a big metal shed where you can surely find some relatives of mine working on some machinery. Go back out to the rural route I drove in on and take a left down a ways is a house my cousin now lives in, before that my grandparents lived. Back into town past the prettiest flat land you will ever see, is a church my parents got married in, Bella was dedicated, some of the best Christmases I can remember happened and 3 of my grandparents funerals were held. you can also pass an auditorium where my Dad's band once played. All the changes in my life good and bad and in between I can always count on those things. Depended on them to be there. As I get older the people and places I have depended on so much are fading. There is nothing I can do to stop it. there are people not sitting in their chairs like they always were when I walked in the door, there is land that no longer has a family name on the deed and I know within time my dopey cup will be gone, too. But, I will always call Kansas home.

A couple of random things

I read on someone else's blog that they weren't sure if anyone read it. I have felt a little silly writing a blog. Almost like, "why do I think what I have to say is so important?" But, I read other people's blogs. I think it's so fun to read other people's stories and a great way to keep up with friends. I also went back and read through my own posts and love it. It was like a little scrapbook. there were things I had forgotten about and some things I just enjoyed reading and remembering again. So, een if no one is reading it I will write it for me.

So I know I said I was going to come back to my blog....

I kinda let that drop didn't I? lol Well, I ment well.
We had a wonderful Christmas and i hope anyone who might still read my blog did ,too!
We had a great New year. we went caving with some friends and family. i love caving! it was one of several great things joe brougt to the table that is our relationship. lol Seriously, I can't imagine not caving.
But, with the New year somehow I buy into the hype and reflect on last year and think about what I did wrong and how I can change it. Isn't that what resolutions really are? I am actually pretty okay. I mean there are things I want to do differently and change. (my big rear end that I am sitting on is one. where did that come from?) But, all in all, I think I had a pretty kick ass year last year. One of my very favorite things to do is travel. I hate being still or stagnant and i got to do a lot of traveling. I had some pretty scary health stuff, but I pulled through with help of great Dr.s and amazing friends and family. I also made a bunch of new friends this year and held on to some friends that are near and dear to me. And best of all we made it another year. If you think about it, that's the best thing of all..we made it another year.
Which brings me to the next thing. my birthday is comming up and yes I am getting older. i am really really okay with that. I mean isn't that the point! lol But, recently people (well, one really) has been focused on where they are in life vs how old they are and what they have to show for it. For sure, i would like to be rich, and there are things that I haven't accomplished and probably never will. (I don't think I am going to win an oscars or have a commercial I am in played during the super bowl at this point. I mean you never know. But, i doubt it.) i guess I judge things differently. AS long as my family is happy, the people around me are happy, I am really okay. I used to have all these high expectations on what I was going to do with my life. I still do sometimes. Hmm.. that sounds weird. i still expect a lot out of life and strive for things and set goals. But, I am not crushed if I am not suoper rich and famous or something. i love being a Mom and wife. my goals are more about my family and their happiness than they are about what kind of car i drive or how big my house is. Okay, I was all riled up when i started writing this. But, I have kinda simmered down and lost steam. lol so, whatever..Happy New year!