Frustration

Joe and I have gone back and forth about more kids since Bella was born. I know the answer and I think I have always known, but have been to scared to admit it. We definitely want more. But, how our next child gets here is another thing...I have health issues. getting pregnant is not an issue. But, staying healthy while pregnant is another. If you were around me when i was pregnant with Bella, you know what I am talking about. I couldn't drive, had HORRIBLE headaches, would lose my vision and speech sometimes, and I had issues with my heart. I almost completely lost my appetite in the beginning and lost weight. All that being said, somehow I feel that it would be fine a second time. Either stupidity or just hopeful, not sure. I know those close to me hope I don't have another baby. I understand their fears for me and I also understand it's stupid to risk my health. It's selfish. I know. But, something inside my head says it will be fine. We have thought about adoption. we have thought about that even before Bella was born. I have no doubt we would love another child as our own. i have a strong pull towards wanting to adopt. But, money is a huge issue. I guess I should say Lack of money is the issue. This is the frustrating part. There is a girl that comes into where I work and she has a three month old little boy. She is friends with a lot of people that work with me and she would just get dropped off at the restaurant and sit with him for hours. Sometimes my whole shift. I would hold him and carry him around. He is so precious. I can tell she loves her son, but there are somethings that worried me. Obviously sitting in a restaurant for hour and hours with an infant is the first thing, but there is a lot more. She is on probation and has a history of drug use. She said she was clean and I believed her. But, when I went to pick Bella up from school I saw another women carrying the same baby around. I know it was rude, but i had to ask. She told me she was the baby's step- grandmother and she was taking care of him now. Because his mother was in a lot of trouble and was in jail. She had to go pick him up from a local bar at 2 a.m. one night because his Mom was too drunk. I am happy someone is taking care of him, but it made me very sad for him. I can just see a future of back and forth between grandmother and mother and his mom in and out of jail. Hopefully, it won't be this way. Hopefully, this is a wake up call to her. But, the odds aren't good. It makes my heart hurt. I know it's wrong and a little self righteous of me, but I wish I could take care of that baby. I have no claim to him and he obviously has family members to take care of him and love him, but I wish he could have something stable.