It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to!

Let me get this out of the way first. I am very grateful to be alive, I am VERY thankful for my Doctors and modern medicine, I LOVE my family, my Mom is being super Mom, and my husband is super supportive. All that being said, I am going to have a pity party. I promise that after this post I won't do it again. I'll suck it up, put my big girl panties on and deal with everything straight on. But, just for this post...
Pardon me, but I'm pissed. I had so many things fun planned for this summer. So, many things I was looking forward to. (I know that by going through this now, it will alow me to have a ton of other things to look forward to) I have trips planned, little day trips with Bella, get togethers with my friends, family vacations. But, I'm on pause and in Limbo.
I had my horrible test yesterday. It was described as unplesent. A BIG WHATEVER TO THAT!! It was horrible! I was in what they called a Twilight sleep. Yep, I did giggle when the nurse asked me if I have ever been put in a Twilight sleep. I thought "every night". (I don't have to keep reminding you guys I'm a nerd, right? It's understood at this point) But, then they sedated me. Tottally not a fun Twilight sleep. They need to change the name. Anyway, they sprayed the back of my throat to numb it. But, then I just couldn't swallow and started choking on my own spit and they had to use the suction. The funny thing about the sedation part was that the Dr. would order the nurse to give me the medicine through my IV then leave the room. he would come back and I would be just sitting there looking at him, then he would order more and leave again. He did this two times. I guess I was supposed to be out with the first, but I am still the ADD child that everything works in reverse on. My Mom would give me medicine when I was little, that was supposed to make me drowsy and it would rev me up instead. Sorry mom! Finally it worked, but I still remember the bite guard and my body trying to throw up while they put the scope thing down my throat to look at the back side of my heart. It was miserable. But, I did go to sleep at some point because apparently i was back for two hours but it seemed more like 20 minutes to me. One minute I was gagging and people were holding me down, the next my mom was putting my cupecake converse on my feet. (thanks again, Nat) I had really expected the Dr.'s to say that the hole they were trying to see better wasn't a big deal and we aren't going to worry about it. I got the call from the Dr. on the way home. He said it was bigger than they thought and it needs to be closed. Apparently, the Dr. who did the procedure had already told my family that it wa sbig, but I wasn't all there for that. When I got the call, I just cried. I don't want this. I know the procedure to fix it is not as bad as it could be but , i still don't want it. I don't want to worry my family or friends. I want to be the strong one who takes care of them. To make things even more frustrating, I can't get into see the surgeon until June 25. My Dr's office is trying to get me in sooner. I'm just nervous because they are pretty sure that I did have a TIA or mini stroke and this opening or hole they found was the cause and I am at risk for having a full blown stroke. That's why I feel like I'm in limbo on pause. So, there you have it. That was my pity party. I promise not to do it again.